Why… why? What do you mean WHY?!!

He asks me “why are you still in the house?” After I explain why I’m distant and guarded. Why should I Leave? What did I do so wrong in the relationship except currently protecting myself? He cheats, lies, deceives, neglects, became aggressive and distant himself pushing me away and building space between us crushing what relationship we had after his first bat at lying and deceiving. We hadn’t even built trust back up yet and he ruined what we did have left and he asks me why I’m still in the house?!! Why should I leave? It’s my home it’s where I’m raising children and nesting making it our own. Yet he asks why I am still there. He would love it if I just left. Left his house and left him. Left it for him to bring someone new into. New, someone to start over with, someone to begin again. A new person with passion lust and cravings, cute texts loving messages and sexy pictures. I quit doing all of that, because even when I did do it it wasn’t enough for him, he had someone else still. Someone else doing the same thing as I. So why put myself out there? Just to be let down and taken from, not appreciated loved adored or cherished. So I ask myself, why are you still here?? Because it’s my house! It’s my place, it’s my Childs sanctuary and home. It’s where I’ve made a life and chosen to be! Why should I be the one to abandon it when I did absolutely nothing Wrong except sleep in the other room with a brand new baby leaving “him” feeling alone and lonely. I’m not leaving. It’s my home, I belong there more than he does. Truth is he abandoned me not long after we got married, if not before during each and every lie he fed me on a platter during each time he deceived and snuck and lied some more. It’s my home I shouldn’t ever be asked “why are you still here?”.

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It’s already happening to her, I just want to protect her and keep her safe.

The baby is kicking and I can feel her strength in fact I can see it. Across the room he sits wrapped up in TV and his cell phone. I tried to draw attention to my growing belly sharing with him you can actually see her movement now…

Nothing, he barely touches her. He doesn’t get close enough to even talk to her. Is she Already being neglected by man?

A man who has let me down countless times…

When I needed someone the most in my weakest most terrified and vulnerable state , When my life and walls were crumbling around me he ran. When I needed my husband he decided to go play and be someone else’s boyfriend. He abandoned me. He neglected me. He became mean distant, angry and hurtful. He still blames me. It’s my fault because I slept in the other room with the baby. (I had been co sleeping but in separate rooms he and I slept so he would be able to get his sleep for work the next days.) Although (still) he wouldn’t talk to me about it being a problem. I wasn’t even able to have painless (after birth) sex with him for over 18 weeks. 16 weeks he started having an affair saying “I needed an escape”.

I still haven’t gotten what I’ve needed from this relationship. But I don’t go and find it with someone else.

I’ve needed him more than I’ve ever needed another and he abandoned me and our relationship.

I Have been distant. My walls are up, the pain won’t leave, I’m guarded. I’m defending myself in the distant silence. He has done his damage, but can do no more.

So I sit distant, silent and feeling alone, afraid and full of pain and disappointment. Will I ever be loved to the fullest extent I dream of? Will anyone ever embrace me and love only me? Will I have the passion I desire? I can’t have these things on my own, I’ve tried. I dropped my life to have one with him and he threw me away, he threw us away. He has tried to be closer to me, it feels too late. His idea of closeness isn’t the same as mine. My idea of closeness is physically, passionately and solely(no cheating lying or infidelity of any sort).

I want so much more for this little girl. How can I help her from becoming this crushed soul that I am today? How can I teach her to be cautious and safe with her most precious being. How can I help her keep her spirit alive and not let anyone drowned it? How can I share the hardest part of life with her? I want her to be happy fulfilled and loved to the fullest extent! I want her safe secure and full of confidence. Like I once was. I know I will be again but this has been the worst pain I’ve ever been handed. It will take time to heal this damaged and broken spirit. My heart bleeds, I am an open wound.

My nesting has turned into a renovation!!

So we are just about into the middle of our 5th month of pregnancy #2 and my nesting has taken a hard LEFT!

My sister in law has moved out Y’all!!! She had lived here with us for over two years. What a long two years it was. I don’t want to get into too much detail.. or do I? hmm…

Like I said in a previous post she was also an alcoholic. She was a moderately functional (with WORK ONLY) alcoholic. But when it came to being a contributing member of the household she was lacking skills in a major way!! So this post is mostly about the mess she left behind because she literally NEVER cleaned. Ok she vacuumed her area maybe every few months (I mean made her kid do it) but never dusted or Cloroxed anything or kept things organized.  We have a dog mind you and not a small non shedding dog either, we have a Rottweiler(and up until July we had a great dane as well), he sheds he brings dirt in he’s a real dog and he requires a good bathing and brushing monthly in order to maintain his double coat. Any way when she left last week and moved all of her belongings out of the premises I found piles of his hair, dust, dirt and dander in the corners and creases of her rooms and bathroom, so GROSS. It was hanging from the fan and the blinds and caked onto the baseboard. Not to mention the mildew, soap scum and beautiful Scorsese RED on her wall for me to paint, and holes, HOLES EVERYWHERE! So needless to say my nesting has turned into a full remodel of our new Nanny room, and Guest bedroom. THATS RIGHT!!!! I have a lovely nanny moving in this weekend I just adore her and she has brought some new light into my life with her upbeat personality and how much she loves our son.

IMG_4667.JPGSo I’ve painted The new guest room A deep beautiful color called Poised Taupe by Sherwin Wiliams. I’ve painted the Bathroom an incredible happy color despite the name “Moody Blue” also Sherwin Williams (target the sales people! Their products can become quite costly). Its a work in progress and the carpet needs to be shampooed then I can move my furniture into the newly Reno-ed room and feel refreshed cleansed and recharged. Sometimes a good couple coats of paint is all it takes to wash away all the drama, memories and help to start fresh!

Living with this woman wasn’t easy. She put me through absolute HELL when I first moved in (i’d crouch in the master bathroom on my knees just sobbing not knowing what the fuck I just got myself into). She would throw angry pissed off fits to my husband, loud enough for me to hear, about my living here in hopes to run me off. All she did was lay a foundation of me not liking her character. When her angry fits wouldn’t work on him then she would cry and sob and play the poor me card. I’ve never seen anything like it. A grown woman throwing fits to get what she wanted, she was just shy of a tantrum rolling around on the floor kicking and screaming. Well it didn’t work on us. We saw past the fits into what she was really trying to do and we didn’t cave to her dramatic yet aggressive confrontation. So she turned to her family, the women. She made a terrible name for Tom and I with the family, gossiping and being dramatic about us living together with her and her son in the house. Told them who knows what else to make their mother (still to this day) not like me or warm up to me. She has moved out mostly because we asked and asked and pushed for her to be a real contributing member of the house hold, have steady weekly chores (as if we were delegating to a preteen what their responsibility in the house was) and which bills to be responsible for and she wouldn’t do it. I admit her Brother was hard on her and would attack her character and moral instead of laying ground rules boundaries and give a list of expectations and I’m sure he’s dominant personality pushed her to leave over anything else(he was tired of her bull shit). But what did she expect ? She was truly a pain in the ass, she brought so much drama and surrounded herself with it that it started to effect us and our home. We had to put our foot down about her bringing strange “tinder” men to our house and had to lay ground rules with the use of our vehicles and then it came to the expectations of the house and she just couldn’t do it. She told me once “I’m not doing this I don’t clean this way”, What she meant was “I don’t clean”. I had asked her a couple times to help me with my son for a little over an hour and get this I had to pay her for her to help me out at all(which was only a couple times). Even just for me to run to my counseling appointment, the girl did nothing for other people unless there was a bonus for herself. I am so happy she is gone. I have deleted her information from my phone blocked her on social media and as soon as I finish cleaning the remains of her and painting over her memory I will not have to think of her again. she is gone from here, she can burden me no more.

When it comes to alcoholism I’ve found that they can be the most selfish egotistical people I’ve ever come across(they see no wrong in themselves, they think what they do to their bodies doesn’t affect other people, but what they do to their bodies comes out in actions and kills everyone around them). I mean that she was one of the most selfish people I’ve ever met. Drinking (A LOT) and driving daily even with her son in the vehicle. not caring how her actions effect others and doing nothing kind for anyone else, not even her child. I never saw them do anything together except watch TV, the last two weeks they were in the house she wouldn’t go shopping the poor kid was sneaking snacks from our pantry and eating toast with butter on it for breakfast and an afternoon snack he had NO FOOD IN THE HOUSE FOR 2 WEEKS PEOPLE!! She sure made time to meet up with local singles found on a popular dating site meet up with pals for drinks and not come home till the bright hours of the morning after partying all night. These are all behaviors of an alcoholic. Completely self centered. She’s now on DUI #2 and her beautiful car which was new last years doesn’t have a side on it that hasn’t been damaged. I told her someday she will strive to be different and someday she may decide to call me up and apologize for her behavior and how she treated me. but until then I want nothing to do with her selfish ass. BUH-BYE miss sassy B.

Reminiscing a bit

its my birthday. I’m having a flashback to childhood. I’d often escape my chores and responsibilities by spending time with a favorite little girl neighbor. I spent a lot of time at my grandmas and next door (3acres away, she lives in the country “sticks”) lived a little girl I befriended when we were really little. I met her when she was four. She was beautiful, blonde with fair skin, freckles and blue eyes. I was drawn to her immediately. I was a few years older than she was. I always asked about her but it took a few years before we started to spend real time together. We would play outside all day during the summers. I had a horse, she had a pony. We weren’t allowed to go very far because we were little but we would ride all day enjoying our short leash. Sometimes when we didn’t ride our nags we would pretend to be them 😂! When our pastures had been irrigated we wouldn’t ride because the horses feet were too soft (something we didn’t really completely comprehend but understood). So we would put out rubber boots on and run around the irrigation water splashing and pretending to be a horse family nickering and naying back and forth chasing one another. We had so much fun with our vivid imaginations! Anything was possible! (This was all before electronic communication really took off as something popular and for children)

I loved my time with her. I felt like being there in her home and family presence I was experiencing something of a normal life. I was exposed to a real loving caring family. I wasn’t the one being loved but I was able to see what it was when her family would show her love.

I tried to stay over night as often as her family would allow, my grandmother never minded if I was gone I wasn’t too far from her. Some nights we would sleep in a pitched tent on top of their trampoline with every pillow and comforter they could pile in, so Fluffy and cozy!! We would lay there as chatty as two little girls could be watching the stars and listening to toads, crickets and horses pulling and snapping the grass with their large flat squat teeth. I love the sound of the horses nibbling grass, it put me to sleep so many nights. The room I had/have at my grandmas has a sliding glass door that’s no more that 3 feet from the pasture where my horses were kept during childhood and my adolescence (she was stern about safety and it being closed) I’d  sneak it open just enough to hear my horse breaking the grass and chewing it at night and never failed like any luliby I’d be out in no time at all.

I really miss this innocent part of my childhood where we didn’t really know what our parents were going through, only that we were happy healthy having fun together and loving each day waiting to spend more time together. As two little girls would. Day dreaming, imagining, and loving our surroundings as we didn’t know anything different! I smile thinking of the little things like skeleton Keyes in our houses that were built in 1903. The chill that came from under the floor because of the raised foundations and crawl spaces under the floor of our ancient homes. The warmth and toasted smell of our wood burning stoves and the wake from nickering horses calling for their morning feed. I miss being a little innocent girl more than anything. To go back and appreciate it all over again would be my one and only genie wish. I’d take the trash out without hassle, I’d wash the dishes before asked and I’d always make my bed before leaving my room in the morning. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.

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5:30am, but my coffee is hot and my robe is cozy…

Most people would just keep sleeping until their little ones wake them up. Well I enjoy my coffee while its hot the first time. I’m so tired of reheating my coffee 2, 3 , even some mornings 4 times because I get caught up in parenthood and chores. Any other parents feel me? Anyone else have this same experience of reheating?

So I’m up! I have what feels like a million things to do today I needed an early uninterrupted start. But first, coffee! Then its straight into the garage where I have a floating shelf project going. OMG! They are so beautiful, there are 7 of them two for a powder room above the toilet, two for above the side of an over sized garden bath tub and three for a completely empty wall space between the Laundry room and Baby room.(I don’t call it a nursery, I’m not Mary Poppins, its a baby room.) So like I said in my “marriage” post, My husband and I get along, really stupid well, so he cut all my measurements for the shelves I assembled sanded and now this morning will be staining them!! Can not wait to see them on the wall… I will more than likely share a finished photo with you all once they are installed! Also I have a massage, a much needed OVERDUE prenatal massage this morning! I am so looking forward to this, BUT does anyone dwell on the fact that after the massage your day is relatively over? Or am I the only one? I’m going to be relaxed and oily and sleepy and I still have tons to do! ugh. Well theres always coffee!! So my mom has the massage set up for me which happens to be in her neck of the woods, two hours away I might add, and she had planned on watching the baby for me while I was getting worked over, However! I made the bold and selfish decision to get a nanny for the entire DAY! OMG! I love love love my son OMG I can’t explain how much love I have for him when I do I usually get tears in my eyes because he has brought so much light and joy to my life! Yet, I need breaks. He’s busy, so busy I can t even explain plus I’m 20 weeks pregnant and I’m just tired! who’s with me? So I am looking forward to a quiet car ride where I won’t have to pull over for any reason but gas, a massage where I’m not hearing my baby in the lobby of the day spa, and a lunch where a small boy doesn’t whack my fork sending my food flying. I can move slow, eat slow, eat alone, not share, sip my water normally not leaning away from a small 11month old boy who is grunting and reaching for my glass because he wants it so badly. today is about me. I needed this day. I may need more coffee too. Which btw my current cup of coffee has cooled to a “must reheat” level since I’ve been blabbing about my clear and eager excitement for what the day holds in store. Oh well.

So just one time reheating isn’t the end of this cup, just a new beginning.

After the massage my mom and I will be looking at her potential investment home, in which I will also be helping with renovations because I’m that cool, lol. Painting, maybe some fun wall paneling, new cabinet faces things like that! We will touch on the little investment home another time when I know more.

Cheers my fellow coffee drinkers, may your children sleep in and your coffee be pipping HOT! xoxo

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I wanted to share what my shelves look like once installed. Mind you these are oversized and not everyone I build comes out this large, but how beautiful?? This is a completely custom home in Sacramento CA in the 40s block referred to as “the Fab 40’s I had the luxury of being hired to build their 6 floating shelves and a sliding barn door which I will be installing tomorrow morning and do not have photos yet, but promise to share as soon as I do! We built the shelves and the bench, staining them all in Early America by Varathane finished in a satin polyurethane… aren’t they stunning with all this white and BLUE! Omg! I’m loving this look!

How does one change what attracts them?

I was chatting with someone today and they brought to my attention “how do you change what you’re attracted to?”. After explaining that I needed to break the cycle of being exposed to addicts for myself as well as my children so they don’t relive the same history I have.

My response was I’d rather just live a life alone. Well that sounds fabulous right? I did do that before! I was single and happy and free and had my life all to myself with no agenda other than me and the dog. Well I still found while single that I wanted and yearned for that relationship that companionship and more than anything a stronger than stone friendship. So being alone sounds fantastic, right? It doesn’t last unless you’re a hermit. However I’ve found a new challenge! Changing what I’m attracted to!! How to begin? I think I just need to start with addressing my childhood issue, maybe surround myself with sober living people pick up an Al-anon meeting continue my therapy treatment weekly and love myself more! It’s a start right? I mean I’m a sober person I shouldn’t have a problem finding some others! I need to first focus on who I am that I’m not the victim of the situation and that I have control over what’s effecting me and why I let it. Protecting myself from others wakes and self destruction is my new priority. I feel like once I learn how to do this properly and in a healthy manner the rest will fall into place. When I say “In a healthy manner” I mean that I’m not just hardcore shutting people out completely because I’ve let them hurt me BUUUT accept them, love them yet be guarded and aware of the situation enough that I see it all clearly and don’t let myself be the victim to the abuse. Move forward in my self discovery (though I know who I am what I’m capable of and where I came from I do need to start over because of my new “identity crisis”). I can say that as of the past few weeks I’ve decided to remove myself emotionally from my current situation, which has left me numb and a little detached, and because of this I’m seeing clearly I’m letting go of what I can’t expect will change. I’ve let go of hopes for other people which may be sad in its own but if you don’t have expectations of others you will never be let down when they don’t live up to them. So removing myself emotionally from the situation is working I will admit it’s building a bit of resentment though and I didn’t ever want to have resentment creep in, it’s not easy to stop that from happening when you step back and see the entire picture, the damage and the disrespect. I have a lot to work on with my acceptance of others. I’m trying, it’s not easy to accept people for what they are when they at one point (or several points) crushed your dreams, your spirit and your love. But people are creatures of habit and sin. It’s natural, so here I sit thinking “ok I’ve removed myself emotionally, I took a step back. I still love the one who has hurt me most but I don’t have to let it continue to hurt me.” So first step, removal. Second step, acceptance. Third will be healing and loving myself. Fourth hmmm…. fourth? Avoid resentment and back to step two.

I’m exhausted and off to early bed time! Motherhood at 5am awaits! Good night all. I should sleep well after this vent. Thanks for reading, even if This doesn’t reach a ton of people I’m still feeling fabulous about getting it out there!

Btw!

I just bought a book and maybe it will come in handy for some others in my situation “codependent no more” by Melody Beattie. My therapist suggested it this week. Found on amazon for under $15! Just came in the mail cracked the preface and so far so good. This should help in my healing process and help me to care for myself more. I never wanted to control my husband or push him to be something he’s not though I did suggest he stop drinking a few times I didn’t push him to do so. I’ve always know you can’t make people change and I know that when you make too many suggestions that people balk and find a reason to argue or fight so I avoided any kind of negativity or confrontation by just not saying much at all. Just caring for him when he was in the most need. Well, no more.

Good night all!! Xo

Are there any mothers/wives who struggle with their identity after joining lives with someone else?

OK, here goes…

I was so bold, strong, steady, I had my feet planted hard in the soil and was ready for anything! I mean anything.

As a single woman I had a lot going for me I worked two jobs (never mind what they were I’m sure I’ll touch on that later for a time bomb) I had my awesome companion Groot (Great Dane) my own house truck and life. I had hobbies and goals and I would strive daily to be a better me! I was so independent I look back and admire that woman for how solid she was.

As a wife, mother and friend I feel I’ve had a big shadow cast over who I really am by my husband. He’s the bread winner now, I contribute but not like before. He has the hobbies, the lifestyle and the group of friends(which I’m rarely included in). My hobbies are gone, you may ask why I let this happen? Also that I can make time for the things I enjoy and love. I wanted to I really did, but more than wanting to do it I wanted to enjoy it with my husband, who clearly has his own life and hasn’t given that up to alter or change it because he has a wife and children now. I chose to let my life slip away and become someone else’s life. I do regret that now, well maybe I shouldn’t regret but just learn from it. I gave up my spontaneous outgoing bold personality to be “wife and mother”. Which is what I have now identified with. I feel I have lost who I am, I know she’s there and some times I stroke her back and she sparks, wakes and rages! In a good way! But I’m the only one encouraging her to be alive and free and present, so she sleeps. This new me is so boring. I think. I don’t want people to think I don’t enjoy being a wife and mother it has its perks, being a mother is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done in life! Truly! But sometimes I need help, or a break or a time out. I don’t get that, at all. I find myself envying the women who’s husbands have the kids for the night so mom can have girl time or for the day so mom can just get out of the house have lunch with friends and maybe get a pedicure without drawing attention to herself with her toddler that will not hold still (she’s there out of desperation which only deepens her need for help). Being a wife felt wonderful I was caring for someone I love dearly and cherish to no end, but without proper love in return or adoration my motivation has dwindled, I still do my chores and keep a nice cozy home but the passion is gone. I was just hoping at some point I can come to a conclusion on this matter, I am currently struggling with. No solution yet. Just exhaustion and a little sadness. I miss me. She was so cool, funny and inspirational. She’s still there she just needs a shake and some support.