Succulents anyone??!

Happy Wednesday everyone! Half way through the week!! Woohoo!!

Today was a rough one for me, we have all had a cold this week and I’ve been slacking on my house chores. I haven’t had an extra ounce of energy to spare for cleaning our house doing laundry any of those things you should do daily to stay on top of things. Today I decided ugh ok I’ll dust vacuum and mop since we’ve had rain our floors have pretty little puppy paw prints throughout. Anyway, two cups of coffee made it all possible! This wasn’t the rough part!!! I’ve taken on a new project, I’m buying succulents by the flat and planting them in vintage finds such as tea cups and pots, fun bowls old tins and anything else I can get my hands on. Well last week I ordered some plants like 200 to be precise, they were delivered today!!! All I wanted to do was dig out the soil rocks moss and all my collections of vintage goodies and play with plants. I was a good wife though I picked up the dog poop redecorated our patio now that the rain has passed wash laundry and deep cleaned the floors. Now I’m out getting a much needed pedicure and all I can think about is what baby plant to put in which tea cup! I am enjoying my pedi though it’s been nearly a year since my last one! It’s long over due!

Any who, back to the succulents. I’ve decided to participate in a local vintage flea market and sell all of these wonderful finds! I can not wait! I’m so dang excited! I’ve really been itching for something to do that doesn’t take up scheduled hours or distract me fully from being a wife and mother. It’s borderline therapeutic too I lose track of everything else for the moments I’m planting and creating arrangements and get lost on the feel of the plants I love that each one has different texture! They are so wonderful to play with! Does anyone else love plants as much as I do? I think I need to join a support group, but not one where we encourage each other to stop but one where we all bring a baby and play white elephant with baby plants and you leave afterwards refreshed with a new plants to join your friendship garden…

Fun fact: My grandma calls it a friendship garden when you share plants and clippings with one another.

I have a deep fascination with plants, maybe I’ve been inspired by my grandmother. Her little old house reminded me of a Thomas Kinkade painting. It was surrounded by wild flowers, bulbs popped up from ivy, huge cecil bruner roses crept up the trees and over fences. Not realistic I know and very over grown but it was like a little farmhouse dream cottage to me. She lives out on 5 acres she has a 1acre pond with cascading willows over 100 years old surrounding it. What a sight it is.

Well anyway, I get completely lost in gardening, do you?? It’s a free your mind part of the day for me.

Well my pedi is nearing the end and I’m off to go play plants!


Why… why? What do you mean WHY?!!

He asks me “why are you still in the house?” After I explain why I’m distant and guarded. Why should I Leave? What did I do so wrong in the relationship except currently protecting myself? He cheats, lies, deceives, neglects, became aggressive and distant himself pushing me away and building space between us crushing what relationship we had after his first bat at lying and deceiving. We hadn’t even built trust back up yet and he ruined what we did have left and he asks me why I’m still in the house?!! Why should I leave? It’s my home it’s where I’m raising children and nesting making it our own. Yet he asks why I am still there. He would love it if I just left. Left his house and left him. Left it for him to bring someone new into. New, someone to start over with, someone to begin again. A new person with passion lust and cravings, cute texts loving messages and sexy pictures. I quit doing all of that, because even when I did do it it wasn’t enough for him, he had someone else still. Someone else doing the same thing as I. So why put myself out there? Just to be let down and taken from, not appreciated loved adored or cherished. So I ask myself, why are you still here?? Because it’s my house! It’s my place, it’s my Childs sanctuary and home. It’s where I’ve made a life and chosen to be! Why should I be the one to abandon it when I did absolutely nothing Wrong except sleep in the other room with a brand new baby leaving “him” feeling alone and lonely. I’m not leaving. It’s my home, I belong there more than he does. Truth is he abandoned me not long after we got married, if not before during each and every lie he fed me on a platter during each time he deceived and snuck and lied some more. It’s my home I shouldn’t ever be asked “why are you still here?”.

It’s already happening to her, I just want to protect her and keep her safe.

The baby is kicking and I can feel her strength in fact I can see it. Across the room he sits wrapped up in TV and his cell phone. I tried to draw attention to my growing belly sharing with him you can actually see her movement now…

Nothing, he barely touches her. He doesn’t get close enough to even talk to her. Is she Already being neglected by man?

A man who has let me down countless times…

When I needed someone the most in my weakest most terrified and vulnerable state , When my life and walls were crumbling around me he ran. When I needed my husband he decided to go play and be someone else’s boyfriend. He abandoned me. He neglected me. He became mean distant, angry and hurtful. He still blames me. It’s my fault because I slept in the other room with the baby. (I had been co sleeping but in separate rooms he and I slept so he would be able to get his sleep for work the next days.) Although (still) he wouldn’t talk to me about it being a problem. I wasn’t even able to have painless (after birth) sex with him for over 18 weeks. 16 weeks he started having an affair saying “I needed an escape”.

I still haven’t gotten what I’ve needed from this relationship. But I don’t go and find it with someone else.

I’ve needed him more than I’ve ever needed another and he abandoned me and our relationship.

I Have been distant. My walls are up, the pain won’t leave, I’m guarded. I’m defending myself in the distant silence. He has done his damage, but can do no more.

So I sit distant, silent and feeling alone, afraid and full of pain and disappointment. Will I ever be loved to the fullest extent I dream of? Will anyone ever embrace me and love only me? Will I have the passion I desire? I can’t have these things on my own, I’ve tried. I dropped my life to have one with him and he threw me away, he threw us away. He has tried to be closer to me, it feels too late. His idea of closeness isn’t the same as mine. My idea of closeness is physically, passionately and solely(no cheating lying or infidelity of any sort).

I want so much more for this little girl. How can I help her from becoming this crushed soul that I am today? How can I teach her to be cautious and safe with her most precious being. How can I help her keep her spirit alive and not let anyone drowned it? How can I share the hardest part of life with her? I want her to be happy fulfilled and loved to the fullest extent! I want her safe secure and full of confidence. Like I once was. I know I will be again but this has been the worst pain I’ve ever been handed. It will take time to heal this damaged and broken spirit. My heart bleeds, I am an open wound.

My nesting has turned into a renovation!!

So we are just about into the middle of our 5th month of pregnancy #2 and my nesting has taken a hard LEFT!

My sister in law has moved out Y’all!!! She had lived here with us for over two years. What a long two years it was. I don’t want to get into too much detail.. or do I? hmm…

Like I said in a previous post she was also an alcoholic. She was a moderately functional (with WORK ONLY) alcoholic. But when it came to being a contributing member of the household she was lacking skills in a major way!! So this post is mostly about the mess she left behind because she literally NEVER cleaned. Ok she vacuumed her area maybe every few months (I mean made her kid do it) but never dusted or Cloroxed anything or kept things organized.  We have a dog mind you and not a small non shedding dog either, we have a Rottweiler(and up until July we had a great dane as well), he sheds he brings dirt in he’s a real dog and he requires a good bathing and brushing monthly in order to maintain his double coat. Any way when she left last week and moved all of her belongings out of the premises I found piles of his hair, dust, dirt and dander in the corners and creases of her rooms and bathroom, so GROSS. It was hanging from the fan and the blinds and caked onto the baseboard. Not to mention the mildew, soap scum and beautiful Scorsese RED on her wall for me to paint, and holes, HOLES EVERYWHERE! So needless to say my nesting has turned into a full remodel of our new Nanny room, and Guest bedroom. THATS RIGHT!!!! I have a lovely nanny moving in this weekend I just adore her and she has brought some new light into my life with her upbeat personality and how much she loves our son.

IMG_4667.JPGSo I’ve painted The new guest room A deep beautiful color called Poised Taupe by Sherwin Wiliams. I’ve painted the Bathroom an incredible happy color despite the name “Moody Blue” also Sherwin Williams (target the sales people! Their products can become quite costly). Its a work in progress and the carpet needs to be shampooed then I can move my furniture into the newly Reno-ed room and feel refreshed cleansed and recharged. Sometimes a good couple coats of paint is all it takes to wash away all the drama, memories and help to start fresh!

Living with this woman wasn’t easy. She put me through absolute HELL when I first moved in (i’d crouch in the master bathroom on my knees just sobbing not knowing what the fuck I just got myself into). She would throw angry pissed off fits to my husband, loud enough for me to hear, about my living here in hopes to run me off. All she did was lay a foundation of me not liking her character. When her angry fits wouldn’t work on him then she would cry and sob and play the poor me card. I’ve never seen anything like it. A grown woman throwing fits to get what she wanted, she was just shy of a tantrum rolling around on the floor kicking and screaming. Well it didn’t work on us. We saw past the fits into what she was really trying to do and we didn’t cave to her dramatic yet aggressive confrontation. So she turned to her family, the women. She made a terrible name for Tom and I with the family, gossiping and being dramatic about us living together with her and her son in the house. Told them who knows what else to make their mother (still to this day) not like me or warm up to me. She has moved out mostly because we asked and asked and pushed for her to be a real contributing member of the house hold, have steady weekly chores (as if we were delegating to a preteen what their responsibility in the house was) and which bills to be responsible for and she wouldn’t do it. I admit her Brother was hard on her and would attack her character and moral instead of laying ground rules boundaries and give a list of expectations and I’m sure he’s dominant personality pushed her to leave over anything else(he was tired of her bull shit). But what did she expect ? She was truly a pain in the ass, she brought so much drama and surrounded herself with it that it started to effect us and our home. We had to put our foot down about her bringing strange “tinder” men to our house and had to lay ground rules with the use of our vehicles and then it came to the expectations of the house and she just couldn’t do it. She told me once “I’m not doing this I don’t clean this way”, What she meant was “I don’t clean”. I had asked her a couple times to help me with my son for a little over an hour and get this I had to pay her for her to help me out at all(which was only a couple times). Even just for me to run to my counseling appointment, the girl did nothing for other people unless there was a bonus for herself. I am so happy she is gone. I have deleted her information from my phone blocked her on social media and as soon as I finish cleaning the remains of her and painting over her memory I will not have to think of her again. she is gone from here, she can burden me no more.

When it comes to alcoholism I’ve found that they can be the most selfish egotistical people I’ve ever come across(they see no wrong in themselves, they think what they do to their bodies doesn’t affect other people, but what they do to their bodies comes out in actions and kills everyone around them). I mean that she was one of the most selfish people I’ve ever met. Drinking (A LOT) and driving daily even with her son in the vehicle. not caring how her actions effect others and doing nothing kind for anyone else, not even her child. I never saw them do anything together except watch TV, the last two weeks they were in the house she wouldn’t go shopping the poor kid was sneaking snacks from our pantry and eating toast with butter on it for breakfast and an afternoon snack he had NO FOOD IN THE HOUSE FOR 2 WEEKS PEOPLE!! She sure made time to meet up with local singles found on a popular dating site meet up with pals for drinks and not come home till the bright hours of the morning after partying all night. These are all behaviors of an alcoholic. Completely self centered. She’s now on DUI #2 and her beautiful car which was new last years doesn’t have a side on it that hasn’t been damaged. I told her someday she will strive to be different and someday she may decide to call me up and apologize for her behavior and how she treated me. but until then I want nothing to do with her selfish ass. BUH-BYE miss sassy B.

Reminiscing a bit

its my birthday. I’m having a flashback to childhood. I’d often escape my chores and responsibilities by spending time with a favorite little girl neighbor. I spent a lot of time at my grandmas and next door (3acres away, she lives in the country “sticks”) lived a little girl I befriended when we were really little. I met her when she was four. She was beautiful, blonde with fair skin, freckles and blue eyes. I was drawn to her immediately. I was a few years older than she was. I always asked about her but it took a few years before we started to spend real time together. We would play outside all day during the summers. I had a horse, she had a pony. We weren’t allowed to go very far because we were little but we would ride all day enjoying our short leash. Sometimes when we didn’t ride our nags we would pretend to be them 😂! When our pastures had been irrigated we wouldn’t ride because the horses feet were too soft (something we didn’t really completely comprehend but understood). So we would put out rubber boots on and run around the irrigation water splashing and pretending to be a horse family nickering and naying back and forth chasing one another. We had so much fun with our vivid imaginations! Anything was possible! (This was all before electronic communication really took off as something popular and for children)

I loved my time with her. I felt like being there in her home and family presence I was experiencing something of a normal life. I was exposed to a real loving caring family. I wasn’t the one being loved but I was able to see what it was when her family would show her love.

I tried to stay over night as often as her family would allow, my grandmother never minded if I was gone I wasn’t too far from her. Some nights we would sleep in a pitched tent on top of their trampoline with every pillow and comforter they could pile in, so Fluffy and cozy!! We would lay there as chatty as two little girls could be watching the stars and listening to toads, crickets and horses pulling and snapping the grass with their large flat squat teeth. I love the sound of the horses nibbling grass, it put me to sleep so many nights. The room I had/have at my grandmas has a sliding glass door that’s no more that 3 feet from the pasture where my horses were kept during childhood and my adolescence (she was stern about safety and it being closed) I’d  sneak it open just enough to hear my horse breaking the grass and chewing it at night and never failed like any luliby I’d be out in no time at all.

I really miss this innocent part of my childhood where we didn’t really know what our parents were going through, only that we were happy healthy having fun together and loving each day waiting to spend more time together. As two little girls would. Day dreaming, imagining, and loving our surroundings as we didn’t know anything different! I smile thinking of the little things like skeleton Keyes in our houses that were built in 1903. The chill that came from under the floor because of the raised foundations and crawl spaces under the floor of our ancient homes. The warmth and toasted smell of our wood burning stoves and the wake from nickering horses calling for their morning feed. I miss being a little innocent girl more than anything. To go back and appreciate it all over again would be my one and only genie wish. I’d take the trash out without hassle, I’d wash the dishes before asked and I’d always make my bed before leaving my room in the morning. I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.


5:30am, but my coffee is hot and my robe is cozy…

Most people would just keep sleeping until their little ones wake them up. Well I enjoy my coffee while its hot the first time. I’m so tired of reheating my coffee 2, 3 , even some mornings 4 times because I get caught up in parenthood and chores. Any other parents feel me? Anyone else have this same experience of reheating?

So I’m up! I have what feels like a million things to do today I needed an early uninterrupted start. But first, coffee! Then its straight into the garage where I have a floating shelf project going. OMG! They are so beautiful, there are 7 of them two for a powder room above the toilet, two for above the side of an over sized garden bath tub and three for a completely empty wall space between the Laundry room and Baby room.(I don’t call it a nursery, I’m not Mary Poppins, its a baby room.) So like I said in my “marriage” post, My husband and I get along, really stupid well, so he cut all my measurements for the shelves I assembled sanded and now this morning will be staining them!! Can not wait to see them on the wall… I will more than likely share a finished photo with you all once they are installed! Also I have a massage, a much needed OVERDUE prenatal massage this morning! I am so looking forward to this, BUT does anyone dwell on the fact that after the massage your day is relatively over? Or am I the only one? I’m going to be relaxed and oily and sleepy and I still have tons to do! ugh. Well theres always coffee!! So my mom has the massage set up for me which happens to be in her neck of the woods, two hours away I might add, and she had planned on watching the baby for me while I was getting worked over, However! I made the bold and selfish decision to get a nanny for the entire DAY! OMG! I love love love my son OMG I can’t explain how much love I have for him when I do I usually get tears in my eyes because he has brought so much light and joy to my life! Yet, I need breaks. He’s busy, so busy I can t even explain plus I’m 20 weeks pregnant and I’m just tired! who’s with me? So I am looking forward to a quiet car ride where I won’t have to pull over for any reason but gas, a massage where I’m not hearing my baby in the lobby of the day spa, and a lunch where a small boy doesn’t whack my fork sending my food flying. I can move slow, eat slow, eat alone, not share, sip my water normally not leaning away from a small 11month old boy who is grunting and reaching for my glass because he wants it so badly. today is about me. I needed this day. I may need more coffee too. Which btw my current cup of coffee has cooled to a “must reheat” level since I’ve been blabbing about my clear and eager excitement for what the day holds in store. Oh well.

So just one time reheating isn’t the end of this cup, just a new beginning.

After the massage my mom and I will be looking at her potential investment home, in which I will also be helping with renovations because I’m that cool, lol. Painting, maybe some fun wall paneling, new cabinet faces things like that! We will touch on the little investment home another time when I know more.

Cheers my fellow coffee drinkers, may your children sleep in and your coffee be pipping HOT! xoxo

I wanted to share what my shelves look like once installed. Mind you these are oversized and not everyone I build comes out this large, but how beautiful?? This is a completely custom home in Sacramento CA in the 40s block referred to as “the Fab 40’s I had the luxury of being hired to build their 6 floating shelves and a sliding barn door which I will be installing tomorrow morning and do not have photos yet, but promise to share as soon as I do! We built the shelves and the bench, staining them all in Early America by Varathane finished in a satin polyurethane… aren’t they stunning with all this white and BLUE! Omg! I’m loving this look!

How does one change what attracts them?

I was chatting with someone today and they brought to my attention “how do you change what you’re attracted to?”. After explaining that I needed to break the cycle of being exposed to addicts for myself as well as my children so they don’t relive the same history I have.

My response was I’d rather just live a life alone. Well that sounds fabulous right? I did do that before! I was single and happy and free and had my life all to myself with no agenda other than me and the dog. Well I still found while single that I wanted and yearned for that relationship that companionship and more than anything a stronger than stone friendship. So being alone sounds fantastic, right? It doesn’t last unless you’re a hermit. However I’ve found a new challenge! Changing what I’m attracted to!! How to begin? I think I just need to start with addressing my childhood issue, maybe surround myself with sober living people pick up an Al-anon meeting continue my therapy treatment weekly and love myself more! It’s a start right? I mean I’m a sober person I shouldn’t have a problem finding some others! I need to first focus on who I am that I’m not the victim of the situation and that I have control over what’s effecting me and why I let it. Protecting myself from others wakes and self destruction is my new priority. I feel like once I learn how to do this properly and in a healthy manner the rest will fall into place. When I say “In a healthy manner” I mean that I’m not just hardcore shutting people out completely because I’ve let them hurt me BUUUT accept them, love them yet be guarded and aware of the situation enough that I see it all clearly and don’t let myself be the victim to the abuse. Move forward in my self discovery (though I know who I am what I’m capable of and where I came from I do need to start over because of my new “identity crisis”). I can say that as of the past few weeks I’ve decided to remove myself emotionally from my current situation, which has left me numb and a little detached, and because of this I’m seeing clearly I’m letting go of what I can’t expect will change. I’ve let go of hopes for other people which may be sad in its own but if you don’t have expectations of others you will never be let down when they don’t live up to them. So removing myself emotionally from the situation is working I will admit it’s building a bit of resentment though and I didn’t ever want to have resentment creep in, it’s not easy to stop that from happening when you step back and see the entire picture, the damage and the disrespect. I have a lot to work on with my acceptance of others. I’m trying, it’s not easy to accept people for what they are when they at one point (or several points) crushed your dreams, your spirit and your love. But people are creatures of habit and sin. It’s natural, so here I sit thinking “ok I’ve removed myself emotionally, I took a step back. I still love the one who has hurt me most but I don’t have to let it continue to hurt me.” So first step, removal. Second step, acceptance. Third will be healing and loving myself. Fourth hmmm…. fourth? Avoid resentment and back to step two.

I’m exhausted and off to early bed time! Motherhood at 5am awaits! Good night all. I should sleep well after this vent. Thanks for reading, even if This doesn’t reach a ton of people I’m still feeling fabulous about getting it out there!


I just bought a book and maybe it will come in handy for some others in my situation “codependent no more” by Melody Beattie. My therapist suggested it this week. Found on amazon for under $15! Just came in the mail cracked the preface and so far so good. This should help in my healing process and help me to care for myself more. I never wanted to control my husband or push him to be something he’s not though I did suggest he stop drinking a few times I didn’t push him to do so. I’ve always know you can’t make people change and I know that when you make too many suggestions that people balk and find a reason to argue or fight so I avoided any kind of negativity or confrontation by just not saying much at all. Just caring for him when he was in the most need. Well, no more.

Good night all!! Xo

Are there any mothers/wives who struggle with their identity after joining lives with someone else?

OK, here goes…

I was so bold, strong, steady, I had my feet planted hard in the soil and was ready for anything! I mean anything.

As a single woman I had a lot going for me I worked two jobs (never mind what they were I’m sure I’ll touch on that later for a time bomb) I had my awesome companion Groot (Great Dane) my own house truck and life. I had hobbies and goals and I would strive daily to be a better me! I was so independent I look back and admire that woman for how solid she was.

As a wife, mother and friend I feel I’ve had a big shadow cast over who I really am by my husband. He’s the bread winner now, I contribute but not like before. He has the hobbies, the lifestyle and the group of friends(which I’m rarely included in). My hobbies are gone, you may ask why I let this happen? Also that I can make time for the things I enjoy and love. I wanted to I really did, but more than wanting to do it I wanted to enjoy it with my husband, who clearly has his own life and hasn’t given that up to alter or change it because he has a wife and children now. I chose to let my life slip away and become someone else’s life. I do regret that now, well maybe I shouldn’t regret but just learn from it. I gave up my spontaneous outgoing bold personality to be “wife and mother”. Which is what I have now identified with. I feel I have lost who I am, I know she’s there and some times I stroke her back and she sparks, wakes and rages! In a good way! But I’m the only one encouraging her to be alive and free and present, so she sleeps. This new me is so boring. I think. I don’t want people to think I don’t enjoy being a wife and mother it has its perks, being a mother is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done in life! Truly! But sometimes I need help, or a break or a time out. I don’t get that, at all. I find myself envying the women who’s husbands have the kids for the night so mom can have girl time or for the day so mom can just get out of the house have lunch with friends and maybe get a pedicure without drawing attention to herself with her toddler that will not hold still (she’s there out of desperation which only deepens her need for help). Being a wife felt wonderful I was caring for someone I love dearly and cherish to no end, but without proper love in return or adoration my motivation has dwindled, I still do my chores and keep a nice cozy home but the passion is gone. I was just hoping at some point I can come to a conclusion on this matter, I am currently struggling with. No solution yet. Just exhaustion and a little sadness. I miss me. She was so cool, funny and inspirational. She’s still there she just needs a shake and some support.

You can’t change people! Don’t rob others of their life experiences. We all need our own life lessons.

Has anyone else realized how big of a waste of time it is trying to get someone else to be a better person because you think your life will benefit from it. OK like minded control freaks STOP! Even if its in the best interest of the other person, even if you are the parent! Its a dead end road that leads everyone to resentment, it completely ruins relationships!

Heres the deal, people are just that, they are people and we all make mistakes! We all have the right to make our own decisions, choices and selections throughout the day. If you try to stop someone from making their own decisions no matter how detrimental the outcome may be they still need to have the freedom to decide and make their own mistakes so they can learn from their choices. We can only really be there to support love and adore them for who they are. We should never use phrases like “I told you”, “I knew this would happen” or “you’re a terrible person for…”. If you love someone you need to love them completely, and accept them for who they are knowing they are not perfect, because guess what sweet heart you’re no peach either.

In the end an action is an action. Its just that. like choosing salt over pepper or going left instead of right. when a failure is a failure its no more or no less. You have to address the issue as it is and as they come. Acceptance doesn’t mean you drop boundaries, or ignore something once it truly starts to effect your personal life, but you can go about addressing issues in an orderly adult fashion. Speak clearly state facts ONLY do not attack someones character or moral. Say things like “this is what you did, this is how its effecting me, and this is what I see that needs to happen”. Don’t give ultimatums, that shit doesn’t work. it only builds resentment. Don’t NAG or beat a dead horse, PEOPLE DON’T CHANGE UNLESS THEY WANT TO. Sometimes it takes a person failing completely having nothing left in their lives because they have made such bold decisions before they decide to be a better person and make better choices.

I’m not saying you have to put up with someone neglecting or hurting you at all I think and believe individuals need to have boundaries and enforce them, and if you need to walk away from the person effecting your life in a negative way then do so. But that also brings me back to the point I made about how making decisions are individual acts, it DOES NOT reflect on you! You are not a scape goat! What someone else does is completely on them. Don’t let them tell you their decisions are “because you drove me to it” they are adults and coherent people and know right from wrong. So its ok to set those boundaries and eliminate people like that from your life, if it doesn’t get better and has caused too much pain and damage.

Am I rambling? Goodness I hope this makes sense. I think it does lol, but I’m in my head and trying to put all these thoughts into words so you can be too.

Anyway, be strong. Stand for yourself. Don’t let people hurt you while they travel down a path of self destruction, but don’t harp on them either. It’s not your problem, its theirs. In the end you need to be a little selfish guarded and protect whats most precious, your heart and soul. Because, honestly, who else will if you don’t?

Am I ready to address the issue? Or just take a glance? *repeating history*

So after our Lovely Christmas weekend I had realized something major! Living with and seeing my husband in the condition he had been maintaining lead me to flashbacks and remembering my childhood. I don’t even know where to start with it. OMG.. Lord give me guidance. Amen.

I guess it all starts with my mother. She married my father and someone before that and maybe before that too, ok. My father was an alcoholic among other things. She met him on the beach south of Pendleton, what did she expect?! Also he was in the Navy, hello! another indicator (sorry fellas, I’ve just stereotyped y’all). Any who, they were married had a fun time partying in the 80s and got pregnant with me. For my mother the party was over, for my father not so much. long story short they were divorced by the time I was 2 from most of what I listed in my last blog, if not more like physical abuse and long term absence. Needless to say the relationship was a bust and completely unhealthy and my father wasn’t ready to be different. We can NOT make people change! they have to be ready and come to the conclusion on their own terms! More than likely when they hit bottom and have no where else to go but UP.

So my mom met my step dad. He was different. He was a dad himself, and treated me as if I was his own.

Btw my father wasn’t absent in my life, he had me every other weekend and holidays so this new dad didn’t replace him it just gave me a daily dad instead of an every so often dad.

So new dad was exactly that. I called him dad and he took on the role like a champ, for many many years. I LOVED this man. He was so good to me, he really did treat me like I was his flesh and blood and adored me to no end.

However, all good things in my life I’m realizing come to and end. He too was an addict. Pain pills were his choice. Not something I was aware of as a child but when he bled over into the lifestyle of a crank user it was more and more apparent. He would take me to his dealers house where I was exposed to “tweekers”, seeing drugs and being exposed to an uncleanly lifestyle. I saw things children shouldn’t ever see. He ran with some rough people gang members and club members (id rather not list). Most of them were covered in scars and prison tattoos, they even gave each other tattoos in our kitchen when my mom (who had no idea what I was being exposed to) wasn’t home.

My step dad had gone so far into his habit and addiction with pills and drugs that when I was a preteen he decided to leave us. I remember being on the edge of my bed seeing him in the hallway with a duffel bag and hearing him tell my mom “I’m leaving” she thought he was just going to the store, He said “I’m leaving you both, its better this way”. He was gone, he didn’t even say good bye to me. Shame? Sadness? Regret? Maybe. I saw him a few times after that because I begged and begged my mom to see him. But he ended up dying when I was 16. He had a massive heart attack and that was it. He left too late though. The damage and exposure was already there. It had become normal to me to see the behavior, the habits and the lifestyle.

After a while my mom hit the dating scene again and fell for this guy who came from Oregon. He hauled trees for a nursery and she just LOVED that! (we had some property and we were always planting gardening and landscaping)

He was ok at first I didn’t notice his addiction for a couple years. He was an alcoholic. I watched him fall down in the kitchen with a plate of food in his hands, that was when I started noticing the signs. He never drove anywhere without a beer in his cup holder and a small ice chest in the back seat stocked with beer. THIS WAS NORMAL!!!

I’m currently having a flashback to my mothers father always having a beer in his hand! I was F’ed as far as my exposure to alcoholism, I was either doomed for it myself or going to marry an addict, here we are.

So I watch this new guy boyfriend for a few years just be drunk all the time and not know any different. It was normal to “earn that beer” at the end of a long day or drink beer just because it was hot outside, or to be social.

After I had enough of this I decided at 14 to move to my real dads. At this point he had 10 years of sobriety and we had a pretty solid loving relationship going. We were ready to try this new stage of life.  When I move in I didn’t realize his wife was an alcoholic. Yep, another alcoholic. She was a mess and this alcoholic damaged me quite a bit. She was jealous of the relationship I had with my dad I still cuddled up to him in his oversized chair, this shit drover her nuts, but thats how my family on my dads side was, very close and we loved one another. She would stalk me at school to make sure I was going to my classes (mind you I was a good kid never tardy, or truant. yes I was average and never above it with my grades but I wasn’t a bad kid). She would often drive intoxicated with me, pick fights with my father and just be flat mean and demanding towards me. She even attacked me physically one night.

I had gotten home from volley ball practice and was sitting at the dining table doing my homework when she blew in from the back yard. She yelled at me “why are you at the table?! you should be doing this in your room” I explained the lighting wasn’t great in there. She scooped all my books up and threw them into my room and then demand that I clean my closet ( I admit I hid my messes in the closet and under the bed but this was a Monday, I feel she could have asked me to do this over the weekend if it were crucial) at this point I said “forget this, I’m tired of your shit!” and I left. I was still in gym clothes so I ran out the front door and started jogging. It was dark and I had no idea where to go so I ran a few blocks over to a friends house. I knocked on the door and told him what was going on. He told me he had a birthday party to get to and that I could stay for a little bit but that he would be leaving soon. so I stayed about an hour and when it was time I moseyed home awaiting and anticipating what would be in store.

When I got back I walked in and my dad and his wife were in his room,  he called to me in a monotone voice “come in here we need to talk”. I walked in and said “about what?” I really didn’t know what I had done that was SO WRONG (nothing is the F’ing truth). She demand that I sit down, she’s 5’0″ I’m 5’9″ so I think it was intimidating for me to be standing, I said “no thank you id rather stand”. She then yanked my ponytail backwards in a direction of forcing me to sit and yelled “sit down” while doing it. Boy was it on from there. I wasn’t attacking back only slapping her hands and arms away from me and trying to shove her away from me she was attacking me as if she wanted to rip my eyes out, well she ripped most of my hair out that night and at one point held a pillow over my face saying “I never want to see your face again”.  There was more, any way my mother was informed of the situation and came to get me, being that my father did not have sole custody and that I was brutally attacked by his wife (who I had no idea was a drunk) she was on her way immediately. So back with mom I went.

My transition wasn’t an easy one, its like when you rescue a beaten dog and the flinch snap and dodge you. Well I had a long path to recovering from this exposure. I was only there one year but it was a long painful year. She did the most damage.

While I was gone, my mother SOLD HER HOUSE and broke up with the drunk!! So we lived at grandmas who has a 5 acre farm and my uncle happens to live there too as a caretaker of the farm. It wasn’t a bad place to be I grew up there and absolutely loved it. Grandma and I get along fabulously too. I started going back to school and got a new routine, things were looking better. I rode my horse daily and enjoyed being “back home” so to speak. BTW grandma is an alcoholic too. she is a moderate cocktail hour drinker, screwdrivers at night kinda gal. No drama with her just her night cap routine. BUT something else I watched and became accustom to as a small child(she called it her medicine).

So moving onto my uncle. Just when things were starting to clear up for me and move forward my uncle FLIPPED out! One night he came storming into the house bloodied and  yelling about people who killed my aunt and my mother and the horses and dogs that he was out of ammo and snatched my grandmas double barrel shot gun and crouched down in the corner of my bedroom. He had been on crank & crystal meth for over the past ten years as well as being a… you guessed it, ALCOHOLIC. It took a while to get him down from his ledge. He was strung out and hallucinating, I got to see it all first had. Yet another exposure.

Well, I moved. I was 16 and I left. I started living with friends and bouncing around from couch to couch living with who ever would have me in trade for house cleaning and cooking. It wasn’t that bad. I got a job and started supporting myself early. I haven’t been home since! But the exposure had happened, I was doomed one way or another to continue living this way because I didn’t know any better. Its whats familiar. Now that my eyes have been awakened its time to change the pattern so my children aren’t subject to the same history I have. It’s time to change the pattern.