I have a fabulous life! When you stand and see what I am on the outside that is. I’m fit, tall an leggy and always dress to impress (mostly because you never know who you will meet). I drive a new oversized car and have a BEAUTIFUL home. My husband works hard and is also up to par with his dress style and physique, constantly being asked if he is prepping for a show(we do not compete). our son is absolutely gorgeous and we look so happy and put together when we are out and about. So, Yeah from the outside we are a couple some many envy. But heres the truth, the dirt no one tells you. Its ugly. wait, I’ll tell you the good stuff first… it isn’t all ugly.
My husband and I get along extremely well, we never fight (seriously its the truth!) we work together on my wood projects and even then we work well together no bickering fighting or negativity. We keep the house clean and tackle chores together regularly. some would say we are a power couple. we plan well, we live well, and we have lots in common, political views (rare) how to raise children and how to live peacefully in the same home… we have a lot going for us! We really do.
But I married an alcoholic. It’s not the first time. I am a product of my environment and I didn’t even know it. I married what was familiar what I was raised around and what I was exposed to as a child. Am I a codependent? I ask myself now that I’ve had this awakening. My discovery of marrying the familiar and reliving my childhood with my own son is a recent discovery, Thanks in LARGE part to therapy WEEKLY!
Not only did I marry an alcoholic his sister lives with us too, who happens to be….. an alcoholic. (this is where I would insert the iPhone emoji that is thinking)
Now most people, not all but most, know what comes along with alcoholism. heres a short list of what I’ve been experiencing from the people I have in my life, husband and sister in law.
- Lust
- infidelity
- dishonesty
- anger
- depression (duh! hello!! alcohol is a depressant people!!!)
- binge drinking
- incontinence
- more dishonesty
- more infidelity
- insecurity
- lowered inhibitions
- absence
- neglect
This year has been a real challenge for me. Do I stay? Do I leave? What exactly does breaking the cycle mean? Does it mean dealing with this in a different way? how do I guard and protect myself and mostly my child? Not to mention being pregnant dealing with the stress and some depression on my end too. Dealing with the infidelity has been hard enough and thinking we had started to move past that and came to agreements with one another to focus on our relationship was thrown out the window when my husband continued communication with the Paramore. He lied again. How would one react to that? well a strong forward independent person like myself stood her ground and said NO MORE! However being pregnant left me with not many options. So yes I stood for my self and my children and said enough was enough (this has been an on going battle, the lies started in the beginning of our relationship and there isn’t one ounce of trust left on my end). But we still live in the same house, how does this pan out? I have tried to talk to him about plans for separation ( we can’t really afford for one of us to move out, truthfully) when I try to talk to him he gets upset and angry and frustrated telling me he doesn’t want to talk. so, I haven’t been talking. which leads to him asking why I ignore him (another thinking emoji here).
Christmas weekend was one of the worst for me. I had told him I wanted a divorce the week before Christmas upon finding out there were more and more lies, so he took to the bottle in hopes to remove himself from this life we live. (Sobbing emoji would come in handy right now)
It wasn’t easy to watch and as I felt anger towards him I felt sadness for him too. He was so drunk and drinking till he passed out then drinking more when he woke up he hadn’t been eating and only drinking. I called the fire dept Christmas Eve. There wasn’t anything they could do, I just wanted him to go get help in a hospital, where they could pump his stomached & give him the hydration he needed. He refused the help.
So that night he started detoxing, he quit drinking. Christmas Day was a rough and uneasy day for him to say the least. Detox from alcohol is one of the most life threatening detox there is. He did it cold turkey. I am proud of that, however he is still the same person and I haven’t seen him take steps in the direction of seeking recovery or sobriety. He needs a support program and people to help guide him. Otherwise, dry drunk future awaits.
I left Christmas Day and spent hours and hours with family and tried my best to be happy hiding these problems. I said he was sick with the flu and couldn’t make it (see outside its pretty, inside its ugly). I rolled in about 10:00 PM and was happy to be out of the house as long as I was, I needed a break.
I’ve taken things personal and to heart, especially with the lying and cheating. Who wouldn’t ? But I’m coming into this new light. Though I may be repeating history and chose to marry an addict I do not have to feel responsible for his actions. I should not take the things he does heart, they are his choices and his decisions and they reflect solely on himself, not me. I wish I could change things but I have to stop thinking that way in order to change the cycle, history and my own behavior. I don’t have to be with him (which is still be sorted out, as he acts like we are a couple and because he is sober its all ok now) but I do have to accept him and love him for who he is, because I know there is good there. I know we can co parent together well and move forward from all the pain hurt and disappointment he has cause to this relationship. I am starting my healing process. I feel good about it, I just have to figure out where to start and how to live with this in the mean time. I have found that keeping myself busy helps tremendously! Projects and now this lovely avenue of blogging. I need to occupy every ounce of time I have to get through each day without regressing or caving on my decisions to be a bold, strong, forgiving and independent woman.
So see we are beautiful, and shiny on the outside. But boy is just the opposite on the inside.
As I sit here with an 11 month old yelling and tugging on my pajamas, snacking on a rice cake, listening to gardeners blow leaves in the rain (why?!?!) I think, “where to begin”… heres a try:
the life I keep choosing 